Oh Ed! Oh Envy! Oh Canada?
by Troy Mustang
Summary: Pairings will be messed with bigtime! cuz no one really likes pairings Parody madness, Pride!Ed talks slowly. Based on an old fairy tale. READ with your eyes...


**Oh Ed! Oh Envy! Oh Canada!**

Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist or any of the characters.

Author / Writy-Person Notes – Well my pretty chickens, this tale is not intended to offend anyone, it's just a fairy-tale. If you don't have a good sense of humour, you may not want to read this, but I'm just making sure – don't get all scared because I said that. Enjoy! --some spelling errors finally fixed--

* * *

Ed and Envy came from opposite sides of the set and ran towards each other, arms outstretched. Then Winry parachuted down from the sky. 

"STOP! What do you think you're doing?" she screamed.

"We're in love, stupid," said Ed.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked.

They didn't know what she was talking about. Sugar high plus blood donation equals loss of brain magic.

"Well first of all you're both guys…" she told them.

Edward and Envy looked at each other. "Really?" they both said, looking confused.

"But it still doesn't matter, for we are in love," said Envy.

"But don't you remember what you said to Edward the first time you met him? You said you'd never forgive him for having that guy's blood!" Winry protested.

Envy thought hard using his brain. Almost using it all up, too. "Oh yeah," he said. "But I have that guy's blood too – it can't be that bad," he reasoned.

Winry sweat dropped. "Well there's another reason! You guys are like brothers!"

"Wow," said Ed. "So that's why we fight over the remote so much…but it does not matter, for we are in love!"

"Envy, aren't you supposed to be evil? Emotionless? Think of how this will ruin your image!" Winry was not giving up – other than the fact that she wanted Ed for herself, the writer had promised her waffles if she could split them up.

"THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!" they yelled. Then, just as they were getting too close, a giant wall sprung up just in time. However, using his super alchemy powers, Ed made a whole in the wall.

"Nothing can stand in the way of true lo- hey look! That pigeon only has one leg! COME HERE STUMPY!" cried Ed, chasing the pigeon as fast as he could, which was slowly.

Once it was out of sight though, Ed remembered that he was in the middle of professing his love for Envy. "Envy I-" but he was mysteriously struck by lightning. Fate was against them, i.e. the author was against them.

Envy screamed girlily. But then he got over it – having seen Hohenheim sitting at Starbucks across the road. "Hey Hoho-papa!" he yelled.

Hohenheim shed a tear at being interrupted from his macchiato. "What is it, sport?" he asked.

"Ed died – FIX HIM!"

"Ed died? Fix him? That's awfully sad and all, but the last time I tried to resurrect my dead son I just ended up with big mess and it dressed like a f…" Hohenheim realised that it was indeed Envy in the Nick of time… (Nick? Time? Geddit? Nevermind…) "I mean oh sure I'll fix him…I'm sure it will turn out just fine…heheh," he said.

So Hohenheim used human alchemy on Ed.

"Where……..am……I?" it asked.

"Don't you remember? Well, it doesn't matter. You are Pride now," Hohenheim told him.

"……..I said, WHERE am I……..not….who am….I…." The homunculus-Ed was pretty stroppy for supposedly being all lost and dazed.

Meanwhile, King Bradley wept bitterly at being demoted to Wrath. The former Wrath wept also, having been renamed altogether as Maurice.

So anyway, Envy hung around with Pride for a few days so he could get used to being a homunculus and all. Pride dressed like Envy, which made Envy feel awkward because he hadn't really realised that it looked like that before. "Oh Pride, I don't care that you're really stupid now, or that you look even more like a girl – I still love you!" he said.

"…EWWWWWWWWWW!" said Pride. "I'm…….telling….Father……" he said, which was not much of a threat considering how drawn out everything he said and did was.

"Pride! It was just a-"

"I was…..just kidding, Envy……I love…..you…too," he said.

"…EWWWWWWWWWW!" said Envy. "It was just a joke! Now I'm telling Father!" cried Envy.

"No….I…will….stop you…." said Pride.

Envy laughed. "Yeah sure – what are you gonna do? Overtake me when I take a nap because I'm over-confident even though you're so much slower?" Envy was well acquainted with those stories. Dante read him many but his favourite was the one about the grasshopper and the ants. He liked how the grasshopper suffered in winter. But anyway…

Pride cut Envy's head off with his really long sickle. "So that's why it's so long…" said Envy's head on the floor.

"Well I hope you've all learnt your lesson," said Winry.

"We have! We have!" they cried, promising to only go out with girls from then on.

Hearing their cries, the wishing fairy came down from her wishing star and decided to turn them into real boys.

"I'm alive again!" cried Edward.

"I'm Pride again!" cried the former Pride who was demoted to Wrath but just became Pride again.

"I'm Wrath again!" cried Maurice. He's Wrath now though, according to what he just said anyway.

"I'm Rob again!" cried the now human-once-more Envy.

And they all lived happily ever after. They kept their promise too, but maybe that's just because…well, we all know what Envy's human form looks like.

To celebrate, they all sang the Canadian National Anthem.


End file.
